Community
When babies are new, we not only hold their bodies, but all their needs as well. Our mental and emotional landscape changes so that our thoughts, feelings, and interests re-orient around the priorities of protecting the infant and meeting all the baby’s basic needs for food, love, and attachment. This re-wiring is sometimes called the “maternal matrix.”
If mom is now holding all the infant’s needs, who or what is the holding environment for the mother? Who is holding her needs and supporting her in her expansive responsibility? This is one place in which the importance of community is clear. Moms benefit from support and connection with other mothers. In fact, their lives might depend on it.
Research has shown that the more friends women have, the healthier they are as they age. A Harvard Medical School study found that not having close friends was as damaging to women’s health as being obese or smoking cigarettes.
“All families need and deserve a community to support them in the critical work of nurturing and teaching the next generation” (from Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser). When we become parents, sometimes our relationships change along with everything else. Friends and activities that used to click might not mesh as well or at all now that there are kids in our lives.
Building a new support system once you have a little one is a worthwhile project. If you live far away from extended family support or don’t live in a place that where community organically develops around you, here are some ideas to explore:
- Playgrounds are great places to meet other parents.
- Parenting groups and moms’ gatherings like La Leche League, North Coast Parents, and playgroups are places you can get support on a regular schedule.
- Classes, i.e. parenting classes, Shoshana’s Thursday morning family belly dancing, creative movement for kids and parents at Ferndale Dance, Natural History Museum classes, etc.
- Volunteer at your child’s school.
- Connect with other moms 24 hours a day though discussion forums like mothering.com.
- Get information about local parenting events and ideas on local websites like Humboldt Bay Baby and North Coast Parents.
- Neighbors… why not invite the new family down the road over for a barbeque or some dessert? Kids can be great buffers for social situations like this… you can always talk about parenting them!
Creating and valuing community keeps us connected, promotes health, and can take the edge off when times are tough. It is also great modeling for our kids. When they see us valuing friendships and sharing our lives with other people they learn deep lessons from our example:
- Modeling positive social skills teaches positive social skills.
- Modeling caring, inclusive, and supportive relationships with friends teaches our children friendship skills.
- Kids whose parents have support feel the positive effects of healthier, happier, and less isolated parents.
Embracing a sense of community creates a model for our children about how they can be in the world as they grow and become independent adults. They will be healthier for it and so will we.
