Listening to Your Children

By Erika Demers, LMFT

You all know that listening to your children is important. But what does that really mean? Although it sounds easy, really listening can be the hardest thing to do, especially during moments of stress, in the midst of a tantrum, or when mom or dad is exhausted and busy. Listening is a skill that gets developed based on your own physiology and your experience of being listened to over the course of your life. Some people get further training that helps increase listening skills. We live in a society that, for the most part, does not know how to listen or respond compassionately to other people. Even when you think someone is listening, he/she may also be distracted – remembering things about an appointment, thinking about what she/he wants to say next, etc. Listening with empathy means “respectful understanding of what someone is experiencing. It requires giving full attention to the inner experience of feelings and needs and putting aside for the time being your own judgments, opinions, and fears.” (Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.)

Here are some of the basics of listening:

• stop what you are doing

• make good eye contact

• get down to eye level (with a child)

• become quietly attentive (no interrupting and try to nod appropriately)

• When the person is finished talking, it helps (especially with a child) to repeat back in your own words what was said to make sure you got it and this increases the positive feeling of being listened to.

None of this is easy, especially when emotions are running high or there is a schedule to keep. When there is a lot on your mind, giving complete attention to someone else is a tall order. How does one quiet the mind that is so busy? Meditation and yogic practices offers many useful tools to help quiet your mind and become more present to truly listen to others. Some of these tools include, taking a deep breath or two and focusing on breathing. Be aware of your thoughts and try to observe when you’ve stopped listening, this will help guide you back to listening. Avoid the temptation to label or judge what you are hearing.

In Are You Really Listening?: Keys to Successful Communication by Paul Donoghue, Ph.D and Mary Siegel, PH.D, they suggest that if you really can’t be present to listen, to let the person know that it isn’t a good time and schedule another time in the near future that you could listen instead of just pretending to listen. You may say to a child, “I’m sorry I can’t listen to what you are saying right now, but when I’m done vacuuming in a few minutes I can listen to you then.” And of course, make sure that you go back and find your child in a few minutes. Following-through is very important. Take a moment to remember how nice it feels when you know you have felt really listened to. Take another moment to remember what the qualities were that helped you to feel that you were being heard.
A big part of conflict resolution is listening and reflecting back what you heard before sharing how you are feeling. When a child is crying or tantruming, your child needs attention and listening to them at this time is very important. You may wonder or have been told that your child is just manipulating you by lying or exaggerating a situation that seemed like it was “nothing to cry about”. Regardless of the situation, the tears are real. Many times, the actual trigger may not be what the child seems to be crying about in the moment. The child may be sad, angry or hurt around something that happened much earlier in the day. Tears are a healing way to release the sadness and stress hormones so the body and heart can heal. We as parents often think that we have to fix the problem or stop the tears. You are doing more for your child when you accept the tears and witnessing their feelings as they complete the cycle of crying. Approaching their tears this way will leave them feeling much better than if you leave them alone or punish them. In Aletha Solter’s book, Helping Young Children Flourish, she writes, “crying is the process of becoming unhurt, and children will not feel better until they have been allowed the freedom of tears.” Dr. Solter emphasizes the importance of listening to your child and the power of holding (gentle restraint) when safety is an issue. In her review of research around the power of tears, she concludes that “Crying not only removes the toxins from the body, it also reduces tension.” This can be part of the healing as well. Take heart. Think about what the child may deeply need in each situation. Dr. Rosenberg, in Nonviolent Communication, gives us a four-step model to help discover what the underlying needs are of each individual that determine behavior. These four steps include observation, feeling, needs, and request. Always remind yourself of all the things that you love about your child and give your child one of the greatest gifts by listening to him or her several times a day. True listening when your child is crying or feeling very creative and telling you a magical story increases self esteem, self confidence and overall physical and emotional health. For further research on the power of listening, check out Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson, Are You Really Listening?: Keys to Successful Communication by Paul Donoghue, Ph.D and Mary Siegel, PH.D, Helping Young Children Flourish and Raising Drug-Free Children 100 Tips for Parents both by Aletha Solter and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

Erika Demers, licensed marriage family therapist and mother of two

can be contacted at: 707-496-4629.