Relationships

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What is the best “investment” you can make in your child’s life?  Among the winning answers seems to be focusing on the quality of your relationship with your child.  A highly responsive parenting style called attachment parenting centers around building a loving and secure relationship between parent and child.  Research has shown that children who have at least one parent or caregiver who “responds appropriately, promptly and consistently to needs” (also called secure attachment), do better in nearly all areas of development and gain healthy traits that help them throughout their lifespan.

Here are some of the benefits of secure attachment by age as compared to children who did not experience secure attachment (from Attachment 101 By Willemsen and Marcel):

• 0-3 years: more independent and have an easier time separating from parent without anxiety, positive sense of self, increased self-awareness, enhanced sensorimotor skills
• Preschool years, Ages 3-5: better able to play in non-destructive and socially acceptable ways with peers, more readily able to learn from environment, advanced language development
• Middle Childhood: better relationships with teachers and peers, early reading skills, more socially competent, fewer behavior problems
• Adolescence: more likely to be socially well-adjusted, better able to regulate their own emotions, stronger internal sense of what behaviors are appropriate, more able to cope with stress
• Adulthood: higher relationship satisfaction with partners/spouses, more likely to form secure attachment with his/her own child, less likely to abuse his/her child, higher self-esteem, greater job satisfaction

Fostering attachment with your child can start at birth.  Dr sears offers what he calls the 7 Baby B’s tools, for promoting healthy attachment in the earliest months in a child’s life:

1.    Birth Bonding: Connect physically and verbally as often as you can with your baby as soon after birth as possible.  Holding baby, making eye contact, talking to your baby, and keeping the baby close are all ways of bonding early on.
2.    Breastfeeding: It’s an “exercise in babyreading”.  Nursing your baby helps you tune in to your child’s cues – not to mention that breast milk is source of vital nutrients for baby and since breastfeeding triggers the release of healthy and helpful hormones for mom, it helps you, too.
3.    Babywearing: Babies that are carried tend to be less fussy.  Babywearing also helps keep baby close and deepens your attunement to one another.
4.    Bedding Close to Baby: It’s important to find a sleeping arrangement that allows mom to get as much sleep as possible.  If you are able to sleep in proximity to your baby, co-sleeping helps babies feel safe at night, reducing nighttime anxiety.  It’s also a great way for parents who have busy schedules during the day to reconnect with baby at night.
5.   Belief in the Value of Your Baby’s Cry: “A baby’s cry is a signal for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents.”  When you respond to your baby’s cries by soothing him, it builds trust.  “Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate.”
6.    Beware of Baby Trainers: Parenting approaches that urge you to go by a clock rather than your baby’s cues can create distance between you and your child.  Though it might feel convenient in the short term, it’s a “long-term loss.”
7.    Balance: It’s easy to lose track of your own needs when you have a little one to care for.  Prioritize your own needs too and practice asking for help when you need it.  If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you’ll be less able to respond to your baby’s needs.

The 7 Baby B’s are just the beginning of promoting attachment with your child.  For more information about attachment, check out these resources:

Attachment Parenting International: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/

AskDrSears.com: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp

Sources:

The Attachment Parenting Book, William and Martha Sears, Little Brown & Company, New York, 2002

Askdrsears.com

Attachment 101 for Attorneys. Eleanor Willemsen and Kristen Marcel, Santa Clara University.