Positive Discipline

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by Jen Briar-Bonpane

Discipline. What a loaded word. What comes to mind when you think of that word? Orderly rows in the classroom? Kids in time out? Losing privileges? ‘Logical’ consequences? Removing toys? Getting grounded? Yelling? Spanking? As with everything we do as parents, we carry the experience of how we were parented alongside our own approach. Sometimes, these two are identical. Many times, they are not.

In her book, Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson explores the traditional approaches to discipline that most of us were raised by. While punishment in various forms seems to be the crux of most discipline, Nelson argues that though it can be very effective in the moment, punishment does not serve children well in the long run.

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” Nelson asks. Punishment generally results in kids feeling embarrassed, in trouble, rejected, ashamed, mad, inadequate, or sad. Punishing a child will likely stop the misbehavior for the time being, but as Nelson warns, “beware of what works when the long-term results are negative.” As a long-term result of routine punishment for misbehavior, most children take on one of what Nelson calls the “4 R’s” punishment. They are:

1. Resentment
2. Revenge
3. Rebellion
4. Retreat

What is the alternative to punishment? Nelson is adamant that permissive parenting is not a solution and carries negative outcomes of its own. Instead, she recommends an approach called Positive Discipline which involves “mutual respect, cooperation, and focusing on solutions.”

There are 5 criteria for effective discipline that respects children’s need for connection and belonging.

Effective discipline:

1. Helps children feel a sense of connection (belonging and significance).
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging (kind and firm at the same time).
3. Is effective long-term (considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive).
4. Teaches important social and life skills (respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community).
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are (encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy).

Positive Discipline can work at home and in classroom settings. “Aimed at developing mutually respectful relationships, Positive Discipline teaches adults to employ kindness and firmness at the same time, and is neither punitive nor permissive. The tools and concepts of Positive Discipline include:” (from Nelson)

1. Mutual respect. Adults model firmness by respecting themselves and the needs of the situation, and kindness by respecting the needs of the child.
2. Identifying the belief behind the behavior. Effective discipline recognizes the reasons kids do what they do and works to change those beliefs, rather than merely attempting to change behavior.
3. Effective communication and problem solving skills.
4. Discipline that teaches (and is neither permissive nor punitive).
5. Focusing on solutions instead of punishment.
6. Encouragement (instead of praise). Encouragement notices effort and improvement, not just success, and builds long-term self-esteem and empowerment.

Positive Discipline can be used to address all the usual– and challenging– behavior issues that turn parents’ hair gray. Nelson offers piles of very concrete examples and suggestions for ways to shift and adapt your disciplinary approach to a positive one. With a PhD and the parent of 6 children herself, Nelson offers the Positive Discipline model that was derived from research as well as her own rugged experience in the playroom.

To learn more about how to discipline your children with kindness, respect, and firmness,
check out the Positive Discipline website at http://www.positivediscipline.com/what-is-positive-discipline.html.