Making Your Partnership a Priority
by Jen Briar-Bonpane
Even without children, long-term partnership can be a bumpy road at times. When we add children to the mix, it indelibly changes our relationship with our partner.
This change is full of amazing, joyful, miraculous aspects. Of course, there are the more challenging shifts as well. With the responsibilities that come with parenting, the upkeep of our relationship with our partner generally gets bumped to the end of a long list of more pressing priorities.
There is less focused time together, less intimacy, more things to negotiate, and less individual time to refill the well to make us patient partners. When we enter the realm of parenthood, we’re no longer only our partner’s spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner – suddenly we’re someone’s mother or father, too. Our bodies are now clung to, climbed on, and not entirely our own. This can really change our interest in and energy for intimacy with a partner. Then there are the pressures of planning for our children’s health care, childcare, schooling, and development….we are loaded with hefty decisions to make.
Ahh… but, “What about us?” we might think in those fleeting moments when our parenting minds get to wander beyond the endless questions of snack, school, discipline, sleep, and potty. “Remember us?”… If you’ve fallen into the easily traveled path of relationship neglect after children, you’re not alone. It’s as if there is a gravitational pull toward the responsibilities and joys of parenting that in turn makes it more difficult to connect with our partners like we used to.
The great news is that it’s never too late to start building more balance in your relationship by giving some dedicated attention to your mate. Here are some ideas for getting started:
(From Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser and Mother Nurture by Hanson, Hanson, and Pollycove)
• Make time to enjoy your child/children together. Most parents fall into a pattern of constant trading off and tag team scheduling. Build in some family time to be together and marvel at your little one(s) together.
• There’s not a lot of time to connect with your partner so make the most of intimacy in the moment. Expressions of love and affection can happen in brief encounters: a quick hug, an “I love you,” holding hands, etc.
• Take time to be together. If you have a baby, it’s important to wait until you are ready to be away and to not feel pressured to do this before you’re comfortable. Get a sitter, ask a relative or friend, take an afternoon off work while your kids are at school, join a babysitting co-op, trade with other trusted parents… get creative with this and remember to start small if you need to. An hour goes a long way.
• Plan ahead and make it regular. Yes, it’s not as spontaneous as it used to be before you were someone’s mom or dad but making regular time with your partner is worth the effort. Knowing that you both have designated, child-free time together on a regular basis also helps take the pressure off your dates.
• Try a morning date. If it’s too hard to stay awake to be together at night or there’s nothing left of you to give by dinnertime, try spending time together in the morning. Kids are often more amenable to spending time in someone else’s care when they are fresh and rested in the morning.
• Prioritize your relationship. Don’t put off attending to your relationship until your kids are older. You and your partner deserve and need to be nurtured as a couple in an ongoing way.
• Try to ask each other 3 questions each day… questions that have nothing to do with bills, planning for the week, or other family logistics. Be sure the questions are free of hidden criticism or advice. The point is to connect and hear about your partner’s experience, feelings, and thoughts beyond the parenting script that can take over our communication.
