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Second Babies

By Jen Briar-Bonpane

It seems that there is a bloom of second children currently under way in my circle of friends. As we talk through their fears and hopes and questions about this decision to welcome another child, I’ve been reminded about what a substantial decision and shift adding another baby (and therefore, toddler, preschooler, “kid”, teenager, young adult, etc) entails.

A baby, as all parents know, eventually moves itself around, toddles, pees in a potty, eats solid food, grabs toys from older siblings, sleep in big kid beds, and become fluent in our language (not necessarily in that order!). Then, they articulate their own ideas, frustrations, and needs in ways that are increasingly potent. They go to school and bring home information that didn’t come from us. Their little feelings get hurt and our hearts break as we listen to tearful retellings. Parenting is intense business. Our hearts are open from they moment we hold them in our arms and we have to bravely carry on with this massive love on our shoulders.

Most parents are more readily available to steep in the wonder and magic of baby number one. Second children are of course no less amazing and awe inspiring, though a parent’s capacity to savor and revel in the baby experience is generally restrained by the simultaneous responsibilities of caring for the first-born.

The decision to have one or more children is incredibly personal and the process can be different for everyone. If you are weighing the possibility of having a second child, here are some of the things you might consider:

• Make a list with your partner of all the fears and hopes you both have about a second child. Try to really listen and accept each other’s ideas without trying to convince, criticize, or react.
• Imagine and visualize your life with two children. This generally means less personal time, more laughter, fewer dates with your partner, less sleep, more love, more moving parts in your family, etc.
• Imagine and visualize your life with one child. This can include more pressure on you to be the playmate, a close relationship with your child, more resources/time/energy/attention available for your child, etc.
• Imagine the future 10 and 15 years down the road…with teenagers, etc. Be sure that you are excited about parenting 2 kids in all stages of their development and not just trying to stay in your favorite stage of parenthood.
• How would you feel if you learned you couldn’t have a second child? Notice your initial reaction.. Is it relief, grief, ambivalence?
• Take your time, if you can. If a ticking biological clock isn’t rushing your decision, you can revisit the question over time until it feels clearer. Waiting until your first child is over the age of 2 or 3 can make parenting two a bit easier.
• Consider your resources: Do you have helpful grandparents nearby who would help you? How will you fare with another child given your available emotional, financial, and physical resources?

Currently expecting your second child? Here are just some of the fears parents express when they are thinking about and/or expecting a second child. If you are having any of following fears resonate, remember that you are not alone in feeling this way. It can be part of a normal process of adjusting to another baby.

• I couldn’t possible love the second child as much as I love my first.
• How will I ever get two children to sleep at the same time?
• I don’t know if I can handle sleep deprivation again.
• I will miss having time with my first child.
• What if my kids don’t like each other and fight all the time?
• What if my child is really jealous of the baby?
• I won’t have quality time with my partner a long time.
• How can we afford childcare, healthcare, more space, college expenses, etc for two children?
• Will having a second child disrupt the rhythm and harmony we have in our life?
• How will it affect my life to give up months or even years of productive work?
• Diapers and poop again….really?
• Am I going to get depressed again?
• Why push our luck? We got pretty lucky with the first child.

If you are already expecting a second child and are battling ongoing worries about how your life will be with two, try creating a mantra for yourself to re-orient your thinking, interrupt the anxiety, and put a positive declaration into motion. Here are some that I’ve heard from moms:

• Having one child has prepared me for parenting two.
• I have everything I need to parent this baby.
• I have enough love for all my children.
• We have chosen this baby and ready.
• I am an experienced mom and I can get support when I need it.
• This baby is bringing more joy and love to our life.
• My children will love each other.

If you and your partner are struggling to find common ground about having another child or your fears are getting in the way of your ability to enjoy your pregnancy/child, it might be time to consult with an experienced therapist.

Happy Parenting!