Explore Spring with Your Child

By Jahna Stumpf

Each year as spring approaches, I begin to feel what seems to be an innate desire to get outside to explore, splash around in puddles… and save worms. I grew up in the country with three of my siblings. We had that childhood..that you may have experienced or heard about, where the children went out to play and came home for meals. We played all day long outside exploring (using all of our senses), discovering properties of materials in our outside environment, and developing an understanding and connection to our earth. As you could imagine, we were happily filthy from head to toe every evening when arriving home. I look back on these years very fondly. This is part of my childhood that I value greatly and would like to share with anyone who is interested.

I have had the pleasure of working with young children for the last 12 years and I have been a part of their discovery of Spring. For me, there are few things better than watching children discover the wonders of the world in which they live. I would like to share some of the activities that I loved so much as a child as well as activities that I have learned an educator.

Nature walks
In Humboldt County we are blessed to live in a place where the grass is basically always green. We have access to so many wonderful natural resources, so much to do, and so much to discover! The great thing about nature walks is that they can happen anywhere, whether it is rainy or sunny. They can even take place on a city block. The springtime is such a fantatic time to get outside and watch the seasonal changes happening everywhere. No matter what your philosophy is on presenting information to children, scientifically and/or with a bit of magic, spring is an ideal time to experience nature. Of course, the other seasons are filled with their own magic and wonder, but for me spring is especially awe-inspiring. Maybe it has something to do with it following the indoor days of winter and feeling ready to get back outside.

There are so many things that could happen on a nature walk. Here are a few.

• Setting the stage: Before going outside, look out the window with your child and describe what you see (prepare, what clothes, or other supplies are needed). During this process you could introduce concepts of weather, predicting, and self-care…etc).

• Puddle splashing: Beyond the wonderful cause and effect experiment of splashing in a puddle and/or throwing things into one, what other experiments can you think of? What sinks, what floats, and how can you make your own waterproofing have been some of my favorites? My friend and I learned a lot about water proofing after trying to use garbage bags as body covering rain jackets. Our end goal was to roll around in a huge puddle without getting wet. We spent time planning and drawing diagrams. We made holes for our arms and legs and tied them off with string (rope and rubber bands, which I do not suggest). We did roll in the puddle, and of course we were soaked. We were 13 years old when we learned about some very obvious properties of water.

• Saving worms: This is one of my favorite activities because I am sure these little creatures love my garden better than the street. After a good rain you can count on finding a worm struggling across the sidewalk somewhere. You can have great conversations with your child about why worms might leave their underground home. Worms are interesting pets as well. The process of making a nice, visually stimulating home for a worm is an creative and engaging project. Look on-line for useful information about how to layer materials so you can easily view the worm’s paths.

• Rain and dew: It is fun to look really closely to see where rain has collected (in leaves etc.). Dew can also be intriguing…how does it get to the top of each blade of grass?

• Collecting rain water: There are buckets of intriguing questions to explore about catching rain. Where is the best place to collect it? Under the eaves? At the end of the rainspout? How long does it take to fill different sized containers? Collect rain to make your own puddle.

• Nature treasure hunt (what do you treasure in nature?): Take turns finding your favorite natural treasures.

• I spy with my little eye:” This is fun to play while walking and exploring… talk about what you see as you move through nature.

• Streams/Puddles: Make a boat shape (leaves, bark, paper) and float it in a puddle or stream. Make dams to create a puddle or pool.

• Nature table: Gather natural materials for a nature table, to use as art materials (grasses and evergreen twigs make great paint brushes), or to use with clay or play dough. Nature tables are a wonderful way to bring nature inside. Special rocks, large seeds, and small animals could be added to this table to encourage extended collaborative or independent play.

• Nature tree: Pick a twig or tree limb for an indoor nature tree (you could hunt for a fallen limb). Decorate it with handmade and recycled materials.

• Bird watching: Look for birds that are returning for Spring. Keep an eye out for old nests (some birds use the same nest from year to year so making your own nest would be a great alternative to getting one out of a tree). If you cannot find bird eggs, check out pictures on line or in a book (paint your own to look like your favorite). Any kind of “hunt” could include a magnifying glass, clipboard, and pencil (magnifying glasses can be made from cardboard). One of my favorite games when I was a young child was when my mother pretended to be a mother hen (could be any mother or father bird). I was the egg. She would cover me up under her arm and cluck and make a fuss. She would think aloud about her special egg and how she could not wait for it to hatch. I would eventually tap my way out of the shell and snuggle with my mama hen. This game was played endlessly.

• Hunt for new signs of spring:
  • Buds (what is inside?)
  • Flowers (what color, shape, smells do you enjoy?)
  • “Baby” plants
  • Insects: Many children could go on a bug hunt for hours. You may or may not be comfortable with collecting them. Sometimes making a bughouse in a container or designated space outside can extend the bug hunt. If you are uncomfortable with moving bugs then you could talk about them wanting to stay with their families….etc.

• Picnics: When going on a walk, bring a blanket and snack…invite a stuffed animal or two.

• Fairy Houses: Fairy houses can be found and/or created anywhere, inside or out. They can include all sorts of imaginative concepts that may look different from family to family. The fairies in my house always needed all the accessories (bathtub, bed and blankets, bowls etc).

• Mud: I spent a lot of time working on making the smoothest mud I could. I have fond memories of mud houses with stick people. Maybe there are some play animals that would love the mud too? If so, the careful cleaning of them could follow (a tub with a bit of soapy water and tooth brush or paint brush is a great way to restore them to their original condition….and of course they will need to be towel dried).

• Mud paint: Mud can be used for painting. Children can find and use a rock to grind up dirt to make it fine and use it to make super smooth mud to use as paint. Do you have different colored rocks or bricks to grind to make paint?

• Mud brick making: My siblings and I had a brick-making factory. This requires combining several ingredients (we didn’t know which ones were the best, it was an experiment). I think our favorite ones were made of straw, sand, mud, and other grasses. We used our bricks to build all kinds of things.

You may have your own family preferences on whether, when, and where it is OK to collect natural materials. My parents taught us that we could pick something if there were 12 or more left. I am sure this didn’t make sense in all situations, but it was something that we could follow (and we practiced counting!). Our parents wanted to instill an awareness in us that the things we see/find in nature have a purpose (if we pick all the flowers then the bees won’t have them when collecting pollen…etc). There were many times when we had to settle for drawing a flower and recreating it at home with paper and other art materials instead of picking it.

Ideas for creative exploration in nature our endless. I hope that some of these activities bring you back to fond adventures you had as a child. Of course, many of these activities will lead getting soaked, muddy, and cold. That can all be part of the fun and adventure. Taking a steamy bath, getting into PJ’s and having lunch and/or a tea/hot chocolate party was my favorite follow up to an exhausting romp outside.

Lastly, here is a poem about Spring that was a favorite in our house. We would cover ourselves with blankets and pretend to be a plant breaking through the earth. This was another activity we loved and could continue playing forever.

In the heart of a seed, buried deep, so deep
A quiet little plant, lay fast asleep.
“Wake up,” said the sunlight, “and creep to the light.”
“Wake up,” said the voice of the raindrops bright.
The little plant woke and rose to see
What the wonderful outside world might be.

I hope your spring if full of exploration and discovery.

Second Babies

By Jen Briar-Bonpane

It seems that there is a bloom of second children currently under way in my circle of friends. As we talk through their fears and hopes and questions about this decision to welcome another child, I’ve been reminded about what a substantial decision and shift adding another baby (and therefore, toddler, preschooler, “kid”, teenager, young adult, etc) entails.

A baby, as all parents know, eventually moves itself around, toddles, pees in a potty, eats solid food, grabs toys from older siblings, sleep in big kid beds, and become fluent in our language (not necessarily in that order!). Then, they articulate their own ideas, frustrations, and needs in ways that are increasingly potent. They go to school and bring home information that didn’t come from us. Their little feelings get hurt and our hearts break as we listen to tearful retellings. Parenting is intense business. Our hearts are open from they moment we hold them in our arms and we have to bravely carry on with this massive love on our shoulders.

Most parents are more readily available to steep in the wonder and magic of baby number one. Second children are of course no less amazing and awe inspiring, though a parent’s capacity to savor and revel in the baby experience is generally restrained by the simultaneous responsibilities of caring for the first-born.

The decision to have one or more children is incredibly personal and the process can be different for everyone. If you are weighing the possibility of having a second child, here are some of the things you might consider:

• Make a list with your partner of all the fears and hopes you both have about a second child. Try to really listen and accept each other’s ideas without trying to convince, criticize, or react.
• Imagine and visualize your life with two children. This generally means less personal time, more laughter, fewer dates with your partner, less sleep, more love, more moving parts in your family, etc.
• Imagine and visualize your life with one child. This can include more pressure on you to be the playmate, a close relationship with your child, more resources/time/energy/attention available for your child, etc.
• Imagine the future 10 and 15 years down the road…with teenagers, etc. Be sure that you are excited about parenting 2 kids in all stages of their development and not just trying to stay in your favorite stage of parenthood.
• How would you feel if you learned you couldn’t have a second child? Notice your initial reaction.. Is it relief, grief, ambivalence?
• Take your time, if you can. If a ticking biological clock isn’t rushing your decision, you can revisit the question over time until it feels clearer. Waiting until your first child is over the age of 2 or 3 can make parenting two a bit easier.
• Consider your resources: Do you have helpful grandparents nearby who would help you? How will you fare with another child given your available emotional, financial, and physical resources?

Currently expecting your second child? Here are just some of the fears parents express when they are thinking about and/or expecting a second child. If you are having any of following fears resonate, remember that you are not alone in feeling this way. It can be part of a normal process of adjusting to another baby.

• I couldn’t possible love the second child as much as I love my first.
• How will I ever get two children to sleep at the same time?
• I don’t know if I can handle sleep deprivation again.
• I will miss having time with my first child.
• What if my kids don’t like each other and fight all the time?
• What if my child is really jealous of the baby?
• I won’t have quality time with my partner a long time.
• How can we afford childcare, healthcare, more space, college expenses, etc for two children?
• Will having a second child disrupt the rhythm and harmony we have in our life?
• How will it affect my life to give up months or even years of productive work?
• Diapers and poop again….really?
• Am I going to get depressed again?
• Why push our luck? We got pretty lucky with the first child.

If you are already expecting a second child and are battling ongoing worries about how your life will be with two, try creating a mantra for yourself to re-orient your thinking, interrupt the anxiety, and put a positive declaration into motion. Here are some that I’ve heard from moms:

• Having one child has prepared me for parenting two.
• I have everything I need to parent this baby.
• I have enough love for all my children.
• We have chosen this baby and ready.
• I am an experienced mom and I can get support when I need it.
• This baby is bringing more joy and love to our life.
• My children will love each other.

If you and your partner are struggling to find common ground about having another child or your fears are getting in the way of your ability to enjoy your pregnancy/child, it might be time to consult with an experienced therapist.

Happy Parenting!

Parent Cooperative Preschools

By Trisha Sanders

Parent Cooperative Preschools are different then other preschools. In this school model, families work together to create a learning environment for their children. Families are partnered with an educated teacher who leads the classroom duties, chooses the curriculum, models age appropriate language and shows families how to use different conflict management techniques.

Most traditional preschools will follow either a State or Federal guidelines allowing the ratio of 12 children to 1 adult. This can lead to a lot of highly structured activities, minimizing the free time children need to explore and grow their innate curiosity and imaginations. In parent co-ops, the ration is much lower with 1 adult to every 5 children. Having more adults available to each child allows the child to be heard, respected when they need help, and have their play validated as the adult and child play side by side.

Besides the time teaching in a classroom, each family participates in a “family job.” The jobs can range from helping with parties, gathering art and classroom supplies or keeping the yard and garden tidy. For the parents that desire more of a leadership role, becoming a Board Member can be a rewarding experience. As each parent co-op is a non-profit, the member-elected Board will make financial decisions that can keep the school community fiscally strong.

Building a Community

This is not a school in which you kiss your child goodbye as you both stand by his cubby, the nameless sea of faces whirling by. Friendships between families are created when working side by side in the classroom. In a typical school day families can talk over common themes of normal child growth with supportive peers and teaching staff. On the day of their parent’s work day, the two children arriving early find excitement and friendship because of their shared kinship of helping at the school. Additionally, throughout a school year, both teachers and families together can watch and cheer the growth of each individual child as she matures.

One guiding principle of a co-op preschool is to encourage the inner teacher in each parent. With a little help, any person can become an exceptional guide in a young person’s life. Professionally educated teachers model classroom language techniques and provide feedback to each family that helps them better understand the growth their child is undergoing. Situations and behaviors that might seem troubling to one parent can be dispelled when he sees a similar behavior exhibited by another child while in play.

But why a co-op? What will my child learn?

Every one of us wants children to face problems, to think them through and to learn to solve them. Play gives children the chance for this learning.

Most Parent Co-op Preschools follow a play-based curriculum. The increased number of adults help children have more freedom to explore concepts. Adults are more available to answer questions, to engage shy children and to lead play back into positive behavior when children stray. Carefully selected toys create educational concepts that encourage sharing, turn-taking and language development. Art is open-ended so that children can explore the act of creating, rather copying an adult standard. Children who freely create process-oriented art converse more with their peers at the art table. They talk over ideas, pass each other materials, and work through differences.

As for the increased number of adults in the classroom; children begin to see not strangers, but a large family-like clan. They see Bella’s mom as the women who shares great songs at circle time or Terry’s grandpa as the star soccer player. With proper clearance dads, moms, grandmas, grandpas can all work in the classroom. Children can get very excited when the special Family Member-as-a-Teacher day arrives.

Children also see their family members giving precious time and energy to support their school. While it can be an adjustment for some kids to see their own parent interact with other children, other kids find enjoyment helping the adults remember the specific tasks of classroom maintenance such as settling up for snack or putting away books.

Parent Co-ops are not for every family or child. Families must be willing to trade the lower tuition fee for an increased work responsibility. The teaching staff and Board depend on the commitment of each family to fulfill their duties. With paid staff at a minimum and a steady rotation of families in and families out each year, responsibilities must be clear to ensure a functioning professional environment. Some families may find the commitment to be too much regardless of the great tuition break.

But for the other families that choose a co-op preschool, the benefits are many. Children are happy and highly socialized in the positive environment. On a whole, they tend to look forward to their future schooling years and are comfortable speaking their ideas to a diverse group of adults and children.

I speak from experience here. My parents chose a parent co-op when I was little and I haven’t looked back yet. From 3 years old to a high school intern, college studies and beyond, I have always been a co-op kid. Sometimes the school can be so fun that you never want to leave.

Trisha Sanders is a teacher at Woodside Parent Cooperative Preschool. Her preschool teacher is still teaching at her old preschool site. Trisha checks in with her regularly.

Click here to download complete Oct/Nov 2010 issue

Listening to Your Children

By Erika Demers, LMFT

You all know that listening to your children is important. But what does that really mean? Although it sounds easy, really listening can be the hardest thing to do, especially during moments of stress, in the midst of a tantrum, or when mom or dad is exhausted and busy. Listening is a skill that gets developed based on your own physiology and your experience of being listened to over the course of your life. Some people get further training that helps increase listening skills. We live in a society that, for the most part, does not know how to listen or respond compassionately to other people. Even when you think someone is listening, he/she may also be distracted – remembering things about an appointment, thinking about what she/he wants to say next, etc. Listening with empathy means “respectful understanding of what someone is experiencing. It requires giving full attention to the inner experience of feelings and needs and putting aside for the time being your own judgments, opinions, and fears.” (Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.)

Here are some of the basics of listening:

• stop what you are doing

• make good eye contact

• get down to eye level (with a child)

• become quietly attentive (no interrupting and try to nod appropriately)

• When the person is finished talking, it helps (especially with a child) to repeat back in your own words what was said to make sure you got it and this increases the positive feeling of being listened to.

None of this is easy, especially when emotions are running high or there is a schedule to keep. When there is a lot on your mind, giving complete attention to someone else is a tall order. How does one quiet the mind that is so busy? Meditation and yogic practices offers many useful tools to help quiet your mind and become more present to truly listen to others. Some of these tools include, taking a deep breath or two and focusing on breathing. Be aware of your thoughts and try to observe when you’ve stopped listening, this will help guide you back to listening. Avoid the temptation to label or judge what you are hearing.

In Are You Really Listening?: Keys to Successful Communication by Paul Donoghue, Ph.D and Mary Siegel, PH.D, they suggest that if you really can’t be present to listen, to let the person know that it isn’t a good time and schedule another time in the near future that you could listen instead of just pretending to listen. You may say to a child, “I’m sorry I can’t listen to what you are saying right now, but when I’m done vacuuming in a few minutes I can listen to you then.” And of course, make sure that you go back and find your child in a few minutes. Following-through is very important. Take a moment to remember how nice it feels when you know you have felt really listened to. Take another moment to remember what the qualities were that helped you to feel that you were being heard.
A big part of conflict resolution is listening and reflecting back what you heard before sharing how you are feeling. When a child is crying or tantruming, your child needs attention and listening to them at this time is very important. You may wonder or have been told that your child is just manipulating you by lying or exaggerating a situation that seemed like it was “nothing to cry about”. Regardless of the situation, the tears are real. Many times, the actual trigger may not be what the child seems to be crying about in the moment. The child may be sad, angry or hurt around something that happened much earlier in the day. Tears are a healing way to release the sadness and stress hormones so the body and heart can heal. We as parents often think that we have to fix the problem or stop the tears. You are doing more for your child when you accept the tears and witnessing their feelings as they complete the cycle of crying. Approaching their tears this way will leave them feeling much better than if you leave them alone or punish them. In Aletha Solter’s book, Helping Young Children Flourish, she writes, “crying is the process of becoming unhurt, and children will not feel better until they have been allowed the freedom of tears.” Dr. Solter emphasizes the importance of listening to your child and the power of holding (gentle restraint) when safety is an issue. In her review of research around the power of tears, she concludes that “Crying not only removes the toxins from the body, it also reduces tension.” This can be part of the healing as well. Take heart. Think about what the child may deeply need in each situation. Dr. Rosenberg, in Nonviolent Communication, gives us a four-step model to help discover what the underlying needs are of each individual that determine behavior. These four steps include observation, feeling, needs, and request. Always remind yourself of all the things that you love about your child and give your child one of the greatest gifts by listening to him or her several times a day. True listening when your child is crying or feeling very creative and telling you a magical story increases self esteem, self confidence and overall physical and emotional health. For further research on the power of listening, check out Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson, Are You Really Listening?: Keys to Successful Communication by Paul Donoghue, Ph.D and Mary Siegel, PH.D, Helping Young Children Flourish and Raising Drug-Free Children 100 Tips for Parents both by Aletha Solter and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

Erika Demers, licensed marriage family therapist and mother of two

can be contacted at: 707-496-4629.

Midwives: Guardians of Normal Births

By Olympia Franklin, LM, CPM

Throughout history in each society and community, it is midwives who have attended the births of babies. These women were called upon to watch over new mothers and assist them in the personal and cultural rituals that helped them to give birth.

Midwife means with woman and is influenced by the word to mediate. In many communities, the midwife has maintained a role as traditional healer. Now, the range of choices that midwives in regard to how they develop their role and where they practice has created a variety of paths for those in the practice. In California, as in many other states, there are several types of midwives who practice in a variety of settings- homes, birth centers and hospitals. While most midwives are women, there are also a handful of male midwives. Sorting out what the varying acronyms and midwifery credentials mean can be confusing so here is a quick guide:

Direct Entry Midwives (DEMs)
Direct Entry Midwives, also known as “lay” midwives, are the most undefined roles. These are women who have not attended any formal midwifery program. Instead, they may have learned through self-study, experience, and/or the traditional apprenticeship.

Certified Professional Midwife (CPM)
A CPM, as defined by the North American Registry of Midwives (NARM), “is a knowledgeable, skilled and professional independent midwifery practitioner who has met the standards of certification set by NARM and is qualified to provide the midwives model of care.” The CPM is the only international credential that requires knowledge about and experience in out-of-hospital setting.

California Licensed Midwife (LM)
The California Licensed Midwife successfully completes a three-year postsecondary midwifery educational program accredited by an organization recognized by the United States Department of Education, Division of Accreditation, and successfully completes a comprehensive licensing examination adopted by the California Medical Board. These Midwives are licensed to care for clients through pregnancy, birth and postpartum as well as to offer well-woman care through out the life cycle.

Certified Nurse-Midwife (CNM)
Certified Nurse Midwives are registered nurses who have advanced training in midwifery and have passed an examination administered by the American College of Nurse-Midwives. Most CNMs work under the supervision of a physician in hospitals and birthing center.

The Midwives Model of Care is based on the fact that pregnancy and birth are normal life events and includes: monitoring the physical, psychological and social well-being of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle; providing the mother with individualized education, counseling and prenatal care; continuous hands-on assistance during labor and delivery and postpartum support; minimizing technological interventions; and identifying and referring women who require obstetrical attention. The application of this model has been proven to reduce the incidence of birth injury, trauma and cesarean section.

Key Points in the Midwifery Model of Childbirth Care:
-The woman maintains power and authority over herself.
-Responsibility is in the hands of the woman herself, shared with her midwife.
-The goal is to assist the woman toward self-care as a healthy person in a state of normalcy.
-The mother and baby are a unit whose medical and emotional needs are complimentary; what meets the needs of one meets the needs of both.
-The woman’s body is a well-functioning home for herself and her baby. Its needs and workings are best known by the woman herself.
-The emphasis is on pregnancy and birth as times of physical/psychological/emotional growth for mom and fetus.
-Childbirth is seen as an activity that the healthy woman engages in.
-The midwife guides and educates the woman during her experience.
-Childbirth is seen as a normal event in the of the woman and her family members. The woman’s active birth-giving is enhanced by education, support, and skilled care. Midwifery is safeguarding the natural process of pregnancy, labor and birth.

Olympia Franklin is a midwife practicing with Vital Roots Birth Services, a four midwife practice offering complete preconception, prenatal, labor and post-partum care, as well as a variety of women centered classes. Vital Roots offers homebirth, waterbirth, and doula services.Our service area ranges from Petrolia to Bridgeville, Benbow to Eureka. Please contact them to learn more. Olympia 223-5322 Laura 223-1638

Getting Organized

On some mornings, kids dawdle, eggs intended for the pan break on the floor instead, and the clean outfit gets covered in mud before your child even gets to the car.  Meanwhile, Mom or Dad’s deep breathing through the predictable chaos might be getting shallower as the hands of the clock push them closer to tardiness at school and work. It’s in these kinds of moments that being able to find what you need before heading out the door can prevent a parental meltdown.

Being able to find things when we need them can be one of the pillars of parental sanity when times get tough.  For parents, getting and staying organized becomes more than the aesthetic endeavor it might have been pre-children; with kids, it’s a survival tool.  Given this, it seems a little unfair that getting organized while parenting can seem like a daunting and impossible task.  Some days, it’s hard enough just to get a shower.

With small steps, a few basic guidelines, and a commitment to the goal, getting organized can happen even in the heart of the messiest parenting jungle.  It helps to remember that even a little time invested in the project of organizing can yield worthwhile results. If one little corner of the house gets tamed, it creates one place of calm, orderly and intentional ease that can carry throughout the household.

If that’s not persuasive, the added benefit of teaching our kids to get and stay organized should be.  Play your clean up cards right, and your child will be doing more and more of the organizing with you.  In the process, they develop healthy, lifelong habits that will serve them well in their future academic, work, social and inner lives.

Spring is in the air. It’s a natural time to tackle the clutter and throw open those closet doors to bring new order to the looming messes that lurk behind them.  Let’s get started with some basics from our local guru, Claire Josefine, author of The Spiritual Art of Being Organized.  Josefine begins her book by stating her organizing belief, which is “Being organized is a spiritual process  Chaos is conquered as much by awareness, gratitude, grounding, and breath as by a well-labeled filing system.”  Ahh… doesn’t it feel good to think about it this way instead of some losing battle to be fought in vain?

Josefine’s Zen approach is shaped by the following 12 principles:

1.    Think! Think vertical, think verbs, think function, think consequences.
2.    Put like with like within zones created by function.
3.    KISS (Keep it Simple, Sweetie).
4.    Create, and use, habits and schedules.
5.    Be realistic.
6.    Set Boundaries.
7.    Dishes before dusting.
8.    Slow down and pay attention.
9.    Adopt an attitude of gratitude.
10.    Base decisions in love instead of fear.
11.    Remember that we have choices.
12.    Ask for help.

Each of these principles is usefully spelled out in Josefine’s book with concrete steps and tips for how to bring order into your life. Here are some examples:

Little by Little: Start with short organizing sessions, i.e. 15 to 60 minutes.  Longer than that, says Josefine, and you may get overwhelmed and tired.  Keep it positive by not biting off more than you can chew.  “In order to facilitate a sense of accomplishment in a short amount of time,” decide on a small project like one drawer or one cupboard and spend a limited amount of time totally focused on organizing that area. Set a timer if you need to.  If you do this consistently, your entire house will get organized without wearing you out in the process.

Give things names: You don’t have to remember where every item goes, nor do you have to get repeatedly annoyed with family members who put things in the wrong places.  Use labels.  Labels don’t have to be aesthetically problematic. You can make your own using color, embroidery, photos, drawings, carvings, etc. to fit your taste. “You can even hide labels by putting them inside cupboards and drawers,” reminds Josefine.  “Labels are especially important to children who are learning to read… work with them to label the shelves and containers in their room… make a label that has both a picture and a picture of the category and the word, printed clearly… [this] will enable your young ones to put away their toys more easily and will build literacy skills at the same time.”

Put Like with Like within Zones Created by Function: Identify the “zones” within your home based on what happens there, then put the tools that go with it within that “zone.”  Group like things with like things. Some ideas for “zones” or “lands” are:  sleep land, clothes land, bath land, food land, entertainment land, reading land, etc.  In each zone, you group/store the “tools” for the activity that takes place there. For example, in sleep land you would obviously have a bed and only things that go with sleep like jammies, a lamp, maybe a clock, inspiration or relaxing reading, etc. This area shouldn’t contain large electronic devices or anything stress-inducing.

So, when you feel that spring-cleaning urge, go with it and keep simplicity in mind. If you aren’t getting the seasonal urge to purge and organize, pick a drawer and schedule yourself 20 minutes to work on it. Put on some music and just chip away at it. When your time is up, take a break. One step at a time….

You can get more ideas, inspiration, and order the book at www.clairejosefine.com.

Download the Full March 2010 Issue of Hum Mums

by Jen Briar-Bonpane

Discipline. What a loaded word. What comes to mind when you think of that word? Orderly rows in the classroom? Kids in time out? Losing privileges? ‘Logical’ consequences? Removing toys? Getting grounded? Yelling? Spanking? As with everything we do as parents, we carry the experience of how we were parented alongside our own approach. Sometimes, these two are identical. Many times, they are not.

In her book, Positive Discipline, Jane Nelson explores the traditional approaches to discipline that most of us were raised by. While punishment in various forms seems to be the crux of most discipline, Nelson argues that though it can be very effective in the moment, punishment does not serve children well in the long run.

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” Nelson asks. Punishment generally results in kids feeling embarrassed, in trouble, rejected, ashamed, mad, inadequate, or sad. Punishing a child will likely stop the misbehavior for the time being, but as Nelson warns, “beware of what works when the long-term results are negative.” As a long-term result of routine punishment for misbehavior, most children take on one of what Nelson calls the “4 R’s” punishment. They are:

1. Resentment
2. Revenge
3. Rebellion
4. Retreat

What is the alternative to punishment? Nelson is adamant that permissive parenting is not a solution and carries negative outcomes of its own. Instead, she recommends an approach called Positive Discipline which involves “mutual respect, cooperation, and focusing on solutions.”

There are 5 criteria for effective discipline that respects children’s need for connection and belonging.

Effective discipline:

1. Helps children feel a sense of connection (belonging and significance).
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging (kind and firm at the same time).
3. Is effective long-term (considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive).
4. Teaches important social and life skills (respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community).
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are (encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy).

Positive Discipline can work at home and in classroom settings. “Aimed at developing mutually respectful relationships, Positive Discipline teaches adults to employ kindness and firmness at the same time, and is neither punitive nor permissive. The tools and concepts of Positive Discipline include:” (from Nelson)

1. Mutual respect. Adults model firmness by respecting themselves and the needs of the situation, and kindness by respecting the needs of the child.
2. Identifying the belief behind the behavior. Effective discipline recognizes the reasons kids do what they do and works to change those beliefs, rather than merely attempting to change behavior.
3. Effective communication and problem solving skills.
4. Discipline that teaches (and is neither permissive nor punitive).
5. Focusing on solutions instead of punishment.
6. Encouragement (instead of praise). Encouragement notices effort and improvement, not just success, and builds long-term self-esteem and empowerment.

Positive Discipline can be used to address all the usual– and challenging– behavior issues that turn parents’ hair gray. Nelson offers piles of very concrete examples and suggestions for ways to shift and adapt your disciplinary approach to a positive one. With a PhD and the parent of 6 children herself, Nelson offers the Positive Discipline model that was derived from research as well as her own rugged experience in the playroom.

To learn more about how to discipline your children with kindness, respect, and firmness,
check out the Positive Discipline website at http://www.positivediscipline.com/what-is-positive-discipline.html.

by Jen Briar-Bonpane

Download February 2010 Issue

Even without children, long-term partnership can be a bumpy road at times. When we add children to the mix, it indelibly changes our relationship with our partner.

This change is full of amazing, joyful, miraculous aspects. Of course, there are the more challenging shifts as well. With the responsibilities that come with parenting, the upkeep of our relationship with our partner generally gets bumped to the end of a long list of more pressing priorities.

There is less focused time together, less intimacy, more things to negotiate, and less individual time to refill the well to make us patient partners. When we enter the realm of parenthood, we’re no longer only our partner’s spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner – suddenly we’re someone’s mother or father, too. Our bodies are now clung to, climbed on, and not entirely our own. This can really change our interest in and energy for intimacy with a partner. Then there are the pressures of planning for our children’s health care, childcare, schooling, and development….we are loaded with hefty decisions to make.

Ahh… but, “What about us?” we might think in those fleeting moments when our parenting minds get to wander beyond the endless questions of snack, school, discipline, sleep, and potty. “Remember us?”… If you’ve fallen into the easily traveled path of relationship neglect after children, you’re not alone. It’s as if there is a gravitational pull toward the responsibilities and joys of parenting that in turn makes it more difficult to connect with our partners like we used to.

The great news is that it’s never too late to start building more balance in your relationship by giving some dedicated attention to your mate. Here are some ideas for getting started:

(From Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser and Mother Nurture by Hanson, Hanson, and Pollycove)

• Make time to enjoy your child/children together. Most parents fall into a pattern of constant trading off and tag team scheduling. Build in some family time to be together and marvel at your little one(s) together.

• There’s not a lot of time to connect with your partner so make the most of intimacy in the moment. Expressions of love and affection can happen in brief encounters: a quick hug, an “I love you,” holding hands, etc.

• Take time to be together. If you have a baby, it’s important to wait until you are ready to be away and to not feel pressured to do this before you’re comfortable. Get a sitter, ask a relative or friend, take an afternoon off work while your kids are at school, join a babysitting co-op, trade with other trusted parents… get creative with this and remember to start small if you need to. An hour goes a long way.

• Plan ahead and make it regular. Yes, it’s not as spontaneous as it used to be before you were someone’s mom or dad but making regular time with your partner is worth the effort. Knowing that you both have designated, child-free time together on a regular basis also helps take the pressure off your dates.

• Try a morning date. If it’s too hard to stay awake to be together at night or there’s nothing left of you to give by dinnertime, try spending time together in the morning. Kids are often more amenable to spending time in someone else’s care when they are fresh and rested in the morning.

• Prioritize your relationship. Don’t put off attending to your relationship until your kids are older. You and your partner deserve and need to be nurtured as a couple in an ongoing way.

• Try to ask each other 3 questions each day… questions that have nothing to do with bills, planning for the week, or other family logistics. Be sure the questions are free of hidden criticism or advice. The point is to connect and hear about your partner’s experience, feelings, and thoughts beyond the parenting script that can take over our communication.

Resolutions and Reflections

for Parenting in the New Year

The planet we call home has completed yet another trip around the sun and a new year is upon us. Since this time of year is replete with resolutions, declarations, and celebrations, we’ve dedicated this issue to offering exercises and questions to inspire reflection on the potent business of parenting. Nancy Samalin wisely said, “Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we always wished we had.” As you read through this month’s issue of Hum Mums, we hope you’ll steal some quiet moments to consciously reflect on this ‘opportunity’ by exploring at least one of the activities or questions that fill these pages. Starting the New Year with some thoughtful intentions, goals, and hopes for your parenting is a gift not only to you but your little one as well.

The activities shared in this issue are taken from The Center for Nonviolent Parenting’s Parent Education Manual.

Heart Drawings
(From the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting’s Parent Education Curriculum)

Draw a heart. Imagine yourself as a newborn. Put words inside the heart that describe you when you were born. Outside the heart, write the messages you think you received from your family as you were growing up.

Now, think about your child. Turn your page over and draw a second heart. This is your child’s heart. Around the outside of the heart put the message you want your child to hear as she grows up. Inside the heart, imagine the feelings you would like your child to feel as she grows up. Inside the heart, imagine and write the feelings you would like your child to feel as she grows up.

Creativity

Kids seem to be naturally creative. If we make space for them to mess around and create from their own well of imagination without criticism or evaluation, that creativity can flourish. Research suggests that encouraging kids to be creative engages and expands aspects of their intelligence that can bolster math, reading, and science skills. Creativity supports problem solving and can help kids become inventive and flexible thinkers. That’s right, playing with clay, banging on a drum, and doing science experiments with the contents of your refrigerator can actually make your child smarter.

In his book, Frames of Mind, Harvard professor Howard Gardner explained his theory of multiple intelligences and identifies seven types of intelligence (the 8th was identified by Gardner since publication of Frames of Mind):

1. Visual/spatial
2. Verbal/linguistic
3. Musical
4. Bodily/kinesthetic
5. Logical/mathematical
6. Interpersonal
7. Intrapersonal
8. Naturalist

Kids’ creativity can be nurtured in relation to these multiple intelligences. Think about what your kids love to do most or seem to do best in relation to these intelligences. Does your child love to build, draw, arrange furniture/flowers, do puzzles, or find faces in a crowd? These are all expressions of visual/spatial intelligence. Kids who are very aware of their own feelings, tend be self-motivated, and sensitive to values are demonstrating intrapersonal intelligence.

Your child can be smart and creative in so many ways. Keeping multiple intelligences in mind can help parents recognize the unique strengths of their children. Laurel Schmidt, author of Seven Times Smarter reminds us “when we overlook their gifts, kids feel confused and ashamed. They don’t just hide their talents – they bury them. Which means they may never get a chance to feel and act as smart as they are.”

School settings can encourage or ignore the children’s creativity and multiple intelligences. Most schools are under pressure to produce good readers and mathematicians and many focus so intently on doing so that “they routinely dismiss the other five intelligences, even though research shows that studying math or art helps kids improve in all their subjects. (Schmidt)”

What happens when the 8 intelligences go to school? Schmidt offers many examples of how children’s’ intelligences get overlooked and thwarted; “a child with extraordinary interpersonal intelligence may be dismissed as a social butterfly, when she should be encouraged to run for president of the student council.” Kids with high bodily/kinesthetic intelligence may really struggle with the expectation that they sit still and quiet for long periods of time while focusing on repetitive tasks. Those children may then be identified as unmotivated or having some kind of deficiency.

As parents, we can be aware of our children’s’ need for creative exploration and opportunities to explore their multiple areas of intelligence. By noticing the unique strengths of our multi-talented children, we can be better advocates and supporters for positive, growth-promoting experiences both at school and at home.

Schmidt offers these tips for encouraging and supporting your children’s creativity and developing intelligences. She calls them “rules for responding to miracles”:

1. Be a supporter: Celebrate accomplishments and efforts even if they are messy or don’t look like much to you. Compliment their efforts in front of siblings and significant adults.
2. Be a good listener: When your child talks about their ideas, projects, or inventions, smile, listen, and respond with genuine curiosity
3. Ask good questions: Open ended, evaluation-free questions that express your curiosity and invite their thinking like…what made you think that? What else could you do? What part to do you like best? How did you get that idea?
4. Do nothing for kids that they can do for themselves: avoid finishing their projects or telling them how their poems should end
5. Avoid criticism: “When you look at their painting and say ‘Why don’t you make the horse brown?’ you may notice that your child’s interest falters. She may even abandon her work…because she was going to paint the horse blue. Now she has to decide whose idea is better, yours or hers…”
6. Be patient: It might take days, weeks, or even months for your child to finish a project, book, or artwork. They might even be destroyed or changed again and again…”but habits of the mind are continually developing, sometimes with little physical evidence”
7. Be a good watcher: “When kids really tap into their intelligence, you’ll see the signs. They’re excited.. their ideas grow and take up more space.. they return to the activity over and over…step back and enjoy the view.”
8. Be a good cheerleader: “Convey your delight in whole sentences, not just smiles and nods”