Listening to Your Children

By Erika Demers, LMFT

You all know that listening to your children is important. But what does that really mean? Although it sounds easy, really listening can be the hardest thing to do, especially during moments of stress, in the midst of a tantrum, or when mom or dad is exhausted and busy. Listening is a skill that gets developed based on your own physiology and your experience of being listened to over the course of your life. Some people get further training that helps increase listening skills. We live in a society that, for the most part, does not know how to listen or respond compassionately to other people. Even when you think someone is listening, he/she may also be distracted – remembering things about an appointment, thinking about what she/he wants to say next, etc. Listening with empathy means “respectful understanding of what someone is experiencing. It requires giving full attention to the inner experience of feelings and needs and putting aside for the time being your own judgments, opinions, and fears.” (Respectful Parents Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.)

Here are some of the basics of listening:

• stop what you are doing

• make good eye contact

• get down to eye level (with a child)

• become quietly attentive (no interrupting and try to nod appropriately)

• When the person is finished talking, it helps (especially with a child) to repeat back in your own words what was said to make sure you got it and this increases the positive feeling of being listened to.

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